Bernard Doesn't Press That The Fraud Desk
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Read this part even if you skip the jokes

If this has happened to you

The show is fiction. The problem is not. Nothing below is specific advice about your situation. It is the general guidance published by the agencies listed at the bottom, in plainer words.

A stranger asks for remote access: what to do

  1. Hang up. You do not owe a stranger a reason, and you can always ring back on a number you looked up yourself.
  2. Do not install anything they suggest, and do not let anyone connect to your computer.
  3. Never read out a code, a password or a card number. A real company does not ask for one to prove who you are.
  4. If they claim to be from a company you use, hang up and ring that company on the number on its own website or on your paperwork, not the number they gave you.
  5. Tell someone. A second person in the room is the cheapest security there is.

If you have already given access

  1. Disconnect the computer from the internet: unplug the network cable, or switch off wi-fi.
  2. Get the remote software removed. If you are not sure how, ask someone you trust to do it, or take the machine to a repairer you know.
  3. From a different device, change the passwords for your email and your bank, and turn on two-step verification where it is offered.
  4. Ring your bank and tell them what happened, especially if any card or account detail was on the screen. Ask them to watch the account.
  5. Report it (the listings below take reports from the public) and keep a note of what was said, and when.

Habits that make the calls pointless

  • Let an unexpected call go to voicemail. Real organisations leave a message and a number you can check.
  • Start from the company's own website, typed in or bookmarked, rather than from a link, an advert or a number on a screen.
  • Treat urgency as a warning, not a reason. Nothing genuine collapses in ten minutes.
  • Never pay in gift cards, and never send money to an account given to you over the phone.
  • Keep the computer's own security software updated and let it do its job. You do not need to buy anything from a caller.

Where to report it

Listed by country, each checked against the agency's own website on 18 October 2026. Phone numbers and links below are the only real contact details on this site.

New Zealand

Netsafe

Report a scam or an online incident, and get free advice. Netsafe is the approved agency under the Harmful Digital Communications Act.

0508 638 723 (0508 NETSAFE)

https://netsafe.org.nz/report

Free helpline, weekdays. Overseas callers: +64 9 666 0840. Email [email protected].

New Zealand

National Cyber Security Centre (NCSC)

Report an online security incident if you are an individual or a small business. This is where CERT NZ's reporting function now sits.

https://www.ncsc.govt.nz/report/business-and-individuals/

Use this for a technical incident, such as a compromised computer or account.

United States

Federal Trade Commission: ReportFraud.ftc.gov

Report fraud, scams and bad business practices to the FTC.

https://reportfraud.ftc.gov/

The FTC also publishes plain-language advice at consumer.ftc.gov.

United States

FBI Internet Crime Complaint Center (IC3)

Report internet-facilitated crime, including tech support and refund impersonation.

https://www.ic3.gov/

The IC3 will never contact you first, and never asks for money.

Australia

Scamwatch (ACCC)

Report a scam and read current warnings from the Australian Competition and Consumer Commission.

https://www.scamwatch.gov.au/report-a-scam

For a cybercrime, also report to cyber.gov.au/report-and-recover/report.

United Kingdom

Report Fraud

The national reporting service for cyber crime and fraud in England, Wales and Northern Ireland. It replaced Action Fraud.

0300 123 2040

https://www.reportfraud.police.uk/

In Scotland, report to Police Scotland on 101.

In an emergency, ring the emergency number for your country. This page is a directory, not a hotline, and it is reviewed quarterly.